An account of who I am...
I'm writing this as an attempt to help everyone who cares (or just reads this) understand why it is I feel the way I do. So here’s some insight into this disturbing place they call my head.

On a whole, I am a very unhappy person; for various reasons with some things causing more pressure than others. To begin with I’ve never really been very happy with myself. Frankly I just plain don’t like myself; the way I look, act, the things I do. I don’t like myself physically; I’ve always felt underdeveloped in the upper body area. From my shoulders down I just don’t like the way I look. My skinny arms have bothered me for years and I honestly wonder why anyone would possibly be interested in me.

I tend to dislike who I am as a person, also. I have little-to-no motivation to do much of anything at all and what motivation I did have is pretty much gone at this point. I consider myself a disappointment to my parents, my friends and “lover(s),” and mainly myself. I constantly let down my mother by not doing more in the way of finding a better job or getting done what I need to for school, plus the fact that I should be well off into school by now. I let down Robert also by not doing more to find better work to help pay for the things I promised I would and sometimes I can’t even think of why Seymour hangs out with me as much as he does. I know I take him for granted and I’m an asshole. If it weren’t for me, Josh and Alex would still be pretty good friends, regardless of my personal opinion of Alex. As for Annie, we both made mistakes, that’s clear. As for myself, I also feel I should be farther along in life than I am, but as I stated above, my motivation is not the best. I am always very depressed which doesn’t help either. Something else that really bothers me about myself is my personality, I feel I’m far too nice a person, some wonder why I consider that a bad thing, people like nice people, right? Well being nice guarantees you a spot in last place. I’m too passive and nice and it bugs the hell out of me more than anything else, most of the time. I do not consider myself to be a smart person; I personally think I’m rather “dumb.” Even though people I know tell me often enough that I am a very intelligent person, I just don’t agree. Sure, every time I take one of those stupid IQ tests it seems to go up each time, last number was 136, but I also know that number doesn’t really mean shit. It doesn’t tell you how smart you are, it tells you your capacity for thought…more or less.

Moving on to state of mind, what makes me do the things I do or think the way I think I’ve grown up hearing about how the world was created by God, this all powerful, ever watching being who loves us all in spite of the bad things we do. Now I find this extremely hard to believe in this day in age when there is suffering everywhere you look and greedy people who care only for their own well being are in control of entire countries, doing nothing for those who need help in the world. If there truly is a God, then one thing is very clear; he has one hell of a sense of humor. My father has been slowly “dying” for about 14 years now, after he contracted HIV from a co-worker when they cut their hand and he was the first person there with a towel. My father’s illness has had deep effects on me, it forced me to “grow up” and mature much faster than a lot of people normally have to. For that reason I feel my childhood was incomplete and I think that’s why I am prone to periodic bouts of immaturity and over-all lack of common sense to do what is right. I feel that my time with my father was not at all what most would call a healthy father-son relationship; we never really got to do a lot of things together. My mother is a very depressed person, as a result of how life has unfolded. Knowing full well that she loves me more than anything and does not regret anything involving me what-so-ever, I know that she is very depressed with how her life has turned out. She is just a very unhappy person and I want to make her proud, which is one of the reasons I am so depressed because, as I said up there, I feel like I am a disappointment to her. I did not grow up in the greatest environment, but my mother did the very best she could and I know that. I think being as nice a person as I am is the only thing she truly has to be proud about.
Another large factor of late to how I feel is the fact that I seem to be hopelessly in love with someone that has made it clear they no longer wish to have a relationship with me. I know that I need to move on, and I have tried and still do, but no matter how hard I try I always come back to her. What can I say besides “Hey, I love her, fuck.” I think I’ll just have to be content to be alone, I’ve always felt that’s the way I was going to end up anyway, I guess it’s just bittersweet. But the biggest issue with her right now is not so much that I can’t be with her (even though that’s never far from my mind), but rather that I am worried about the path she is taking. I talk to her and I talk to her family and I just don’t like what I hear. I worry about her, but there’s little to nothing she will let me do about it. And yes, in the past week or so I have put serious thought to ending my life, but I don’t want everyone thinking that it is all because of what has been going on with Annie, that would be a bit much to blame on her. I would be lying if I said the current situation had nothing to do with it, but the truth is I’m just getting tired of dealing with everything. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to go on with each passing day and I’m growing tired of it all. Without anything really giving me much joy, my life has become almost unbearable. What keeps me going is the knowledge that if I ever were to do anything to myself, that it would completely devastate my mother and I couldn’t do that to her after all she’s been through with my father. I know it wouldn’t be fair to my friends to make them believe that they were that useless, because they’re not, they are that dim light that is still there keeping me (somewhat) sane in a world that can only be traversed by those who sanity has left long ago.

Yes, I feel sorry for myself and I know it’s selfish to an extent. I know there are people in the world who have it countless times worse than I do, but sometimes I think they are stronger people than I. I am at a point in my life where I expected so much more and have been bitch slapped by reality and get up to find that nothing is how I thought it would be. I have been drinking less lately in fear that it will consume me, I don’t want to become an alcoholic, and I don’t want to lose myself in liquor. Even though I am a “Budweiser Baby” as it were, which in itself is a fact I find somewhat depressing sometimes. I’m a very lonely person and that’s hard to deal with sometimes. One of my biggest problems, something I’ve always been afraid of that has caused me a lot of depression is the feeling of not being wanted. It has always been the biggest fear in the back of my mind that no one wants me and in turn, no one cares. I would lie awake at night and think about how everyone disliked me and cry myself to sleep when I realized that I was not wanted by anyone. Lately that’s been there again, but I’ve been doing my best to fight it back down.

So that’s how I feel, I’m sure there’s some I’ve left out, but that should be enough to give anyone reading a fairly good idea of what goes through my head and why I am the way I am.
Sweet dreams.